Canberra residents are gearing up to collectively lose their shit when Swedish flat-pack furniture retailer and all-round hipster cultists, IKEA open their fuck off sized blue building at Majura Park tomorrow morning at 9am.
Locals are being warned to expect traffic chaos on Monday morning as every idiot in town with a trailer and no job/life decides to join those who do by deliberately adding congestion to the nearby Majura Parkway roadworks on their way to the IKEA grand opening.
Until now ACT residents have either had to drive to Sydney for their IKEA fix or had to rely on friends or ‘guys’ who ran legit businesses doing IKEA runs. John, a Canberra resident and Gumtree entrepreneur was one such service provider and had this to say about his prospects now Canberra has its own IKEA store
I’m pretty much fucked now.
When we didn’t interview the new stores Store Manager, Manager Mark had this to say
I’m super passionate about flat-pack furniture. Well, I have to be now that my careers in micro brewing and vintage bicycles have ended. IKEA have really welcomed me into their Swedish House Mafia.
We took a look at the IKEA website to see what opening sales they have going on. We couldn’t find any but you can get 20% off knives and wooden chopping blocks if you join the ‘IKEA Family’. Creepy.
IKEA are also good enough to provide an suck eggs guide called How To Shop to ensure all etiquette is adequately met when visiting their store, the gist of which goes..
- Come to the store
- Pick the shit you want
- Get the shit you want yourself
- Pay for the shit you want
- Try our meatballs because you must be tired by now.
- Take your shit home.
- Put your shit together.
- Wait for your friends to come over to see how cool you are now.
Speaking of IKEA meatballs, if flat-pack furniture and elegantly designed housewares aren’t your thing, people seem to speak of them as if they are a reason to visit the store all on its own, especially since they were discovered to contain horse meat in 2013. (We didn’t even make this up.)
Newz.net.au hit the streets of Canberra to find out just how excited people were for another large international company opening locally.
Sharryn from Charny said
When it was announced that a site for IKEA had been secured in Canberra I felt a little tingle but now on the eve of possibly the best day in Canberra’s history I’m a gushing mess. I can’t wait.
Darnell, from Queanbeyan said he was planning to come interstate for the opening on Monday and that he had been practicing his I bought it at IKEA poses in front of the mirror so as to maximise the coolness when saying it to friends.
Hillary, a high ranking APS member working out of Majura Park said that although it would make getting to and from work a massive pain in the ass, she was looking forward to making use of the supervised child minding service at IKEA and said she was going to save thousands by dropping the kids into what she called free Swedish day care all week long.
Two young men we spoke to hanging around near the new store also said
Yeah mate, we’ll be there for the opening. Swedish chicks are hot and DTF. We’re hoping to do some flat packing of our own if you know what we mean.
IKEA Canberra opens Monday November 16 for anyone who didn’t already know.