Ah race day. It brings back memories doesn’t it? The horses, the fancy clothes, the betting, the losing, the debt, the beatings from my bookies men when i couldn’t pay up. It all just makes us so excited for November. We may know nothing about horse racing but here are newz.net.au’s best tips that are guaranteed to be a winner.
- Horses are a lot like dodgem cars in that red goes fastest and the owners get mad if you crash them into the wall.
- Put down money on the jockey with the highest voice. its not commonly known but they fill jockeys with helium prior to racing for a winning edge.
- The horse with the best name will definitely place. Anything with a pun is a go to or anything that sounds cool eg “superthrusterpowerhorse.” You don’t see any winning horses called Glen.
- Put money down that the girl who has her shoes off already and its only 11 am will be shortly asked to leave after vomiting in another womans fascinator and passing out in a loo.
- Tip on the blind drunk guy to grab a jockey and demand to see his lucky charms and his pot of gold.
- Fun Fact: Keep betting! The odds say eventually you have to win , yes just like a casino the longer you keep betting the more likely you are to win.*Note* Stop betting, you have no money left and your family misses you.
- Keep asking when that zebra that is coming on to race. If anyone doesn’t know what your talking about slap them in the face and call them uncultured.
8. You could be looking at losing a lot of cash today so save money by drinking before hand or by having your own horse race.
9. Make sure that safe search is turned on when you look up “Best and biggest horse tips” in Google. You cant unsee that many horse dicks ill tell you.
10. Bet that you will get stuck with the one guy in your group that cares about horse racing and wont shutup about trifectas and previous form over the season.
There you go some sure fire tips to get the most out of this Melbourne Cup day. Enjoy