The World Health Organisation (WHO) released a report Monday which placed processed meats, including meatballs and sausages, in the same category as smoking and asbestos for causing cancer.
Newz.net.au’s non-existent paps caught up with Caitlyn Jenner Monday night and broke the newz to her.
“I knew there were risks but not cancer. I’m seeing my Doctor later this week about an upcoming testicle reduction procedure, I’ll be sure to ask for more advice then. To be honest, both Bruce and I have smoked like chimneys our whole lives. I can’t see this report altering my meat processing plans.” She quipped as she sucked down the last of a dart with our lads.
Local brothel The Kitty Kat Lounge expressed concerns that they may see a dip in turnover but expected the Christmas trading period to keep meat processing rates at similar levels to last year. Old Cheryl on the front desk said “As long as fellas have a dollar in their wallet and a cock in their pants then I’ll be here to process their meant for them, processed meat cancer risk or not.”
Government officials said they would investigate applying the same excise and taxes to bacon that they currently apply to tobacco products. (We are not certain how bacon relates to processed meats in this context but will google it later if we can be stuffed and get back to you on that.)
While other sites are reporting that Twitter was a buzz with excessively smug vegans sprouting “I told you so” in a 140 characters or less, we’d like to point out that we didn’t see any of it. Newz.net.au’s current policy is that we have no friends on social media as yet and have thus far found it to be an effective way to shield ourselves from the idiots of the world.
If you aren’t an idiot (or even if you are) and would like to engage with us (or even just to troll the comments) on social media you can find our links all over our site.