Call of Duty Candy Crush Saga


Mega games publisher Activision, milkers of the yearly Call of Dooty cash cow, announced this week that they will be acquiring ‘King’, makers of the mobile cash cow, Candy Crush Saga.

In a match surely made in video game heaven, Activision plans to take the monetisation strategies employed in Candy Crush Saga and introduce them into what ever Call of Duty product will be shipping Q4 2016.

The first big change will be the implementation of Candy Crush Killstreaks™.  Players who get a regular head-shot will be awarded a ‘Sweet!’ above their head and and the familair Candy Crush sound effect will be played for all players connected to that particular server.

Similarly, players who pull off a 360° no-scope will receive a ‘Delicious!’ and all contacts on their console and phone will be sent a notification that will invite them to buy more Call of Duty.

Pew Pew.. Delicious!
Pew Pew.. Delicious!


Future multiplayer variants of the game will also feature a 5 death limit after which the player must wait 30 minutes before being able to respawn.  Of course, spamming requests via Facebook is an option, as is paying $2.99 skip the wait and get right on back into the action.


Pay up, Faggit!
Pay up, Faggit!


Activision Blizzard King said “We have seen the success of Candy Crush on the mobile platform and have been envious of the cash cow they have created.  We have longed for the secret to taking the clothes off of vulnerable peoples backs 99¢ at a time.

“Our data suggests that our target market is 10-16 years old boys.  We have developed a new engine that implements subliminal techniques designed to exploit the primal anger of twelvie males.

“This subliminal strategy combined with the more lives compulsion loop from Candy Crush gives us the freedom to walk away from the yearly release cycle and move to a lone game on a free to play model that tops our bank account up daily.”

Call of Duty Candy Crush Saga will be a free download expected to be available for every possible format November 2016.

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